congratulations, Jamie Lynn
It’s been a trip watching the mainstream media deal with its own bigotry against teen parenting since Jamie Lynn Spears announced that she’s expecting. Supposedly objective news sources call it “sad,” “shocking,” even “tragic.” Scandal sheets are more honest about the way a lot of folks seem to feel: Teen pregnancy is trashy.
People have dozens of reasons why they say having a baby before the magic age of twenty is uncool, but mostly it’s a class issue.
Some schools of feminist thought have allied themselves with the elitists, arguing that women should get their educations first, get their careers on track first, go through years of therapy first. Because the institution of motherhood has been used to oppress us, they insist that we should delay or forgo child-bearing rather than reinvent the whole freakin' institution. That’s fine if it’s our true choice. But what if it’s a teenagers true choice to parent? Should we not have that right? Instead we're ridiculed and, adding injury to insult, we're denied equal access to education.
I mean, I don't know Jamie Lynn. Maybe she's a total nut job. Maybe J.Lo is, too. And maybe that straight, married, 40-year-old neighbor of mine is, too. But who gets to decide who's fit to parent?
When I got pregnant at 36, a few magazine editors asked me to write about how different it was from my experience as a teen mom. When they realized I wouldn't dis my first pregnancy or characterize it as a sad reality I’d valiantly “overcome,” they decided they weren't so interested.
I’m glad I got pregnant when I did. The first time. And the second time.
Why are we allowed to discuss only the downside of teen pregnancy? And why aren't we allowed to admit that by delaying child-bearing, we risk our own health as well as our children’s? We certainly risk not being able to get pregnant at all.
“We don’t want to make older mothers feel bad,” one editor told me.
Fair enough.
But I guess we don’t care how younger mothers feel.
Sluts.
I’m not saying we should have our kids early or shouldn’t have them later but, physically, it’s very difficult to be an older mom. That's just the truth. With some exceptions, the pregnancy is harder. With few exceptions, childbirth is harder. And psychologically--it’s not exactly a picnic. Most of us are more flexible when we're young. And we have more energy.
Jamie Lynn Spears obviously doesn’t share the reality of most working- and under-class teenagers in America who can only look forward to a lifetime of poor health care, but if you don’t have adequate health care and probably won’t find it in the future, it only makes sense to start your family when you’re in your late teens or early twenties. You can’t afford to wait.
And, you know, even if you’ve got a hundred reasons why teen parenting isn’t a good idea—don’t you think it’s rude to share your opinions with expecting moms?
The decks are stacked against teen parents. We all know that. So why not unstack the decks instead of making everyone feel bad on top of it all?
I guess I just wanted to remind everyone that when you hear that someone is pregnant, no matter her age, marital status, sexual orientation, or financial situation, the correct response is:
CONGRATULATIONS.
Why We Love Being Young Moms by the members of Girl-Mom.com
People have dozens of reasons why they say having a baby before the magic age of twenty is uncool, but mostly it’s a class issue.
Some schools of feminist thought have allied themselves with the elitists, arguing that women should get their educations first, get their careers on track first, go through years of therapy first. Because the institution of motherhood has been used to oppress us, they insist that we should delay or forgo child-bearing rather than reinvent the whole freakin' institution. That’s fine if it’s our true choice. But what if it’s a teenagers true choice to parent? Should we not have that right? Instead we're ridiculed and, adding injury to insult, we're denied equal access to education.
I mean, I don't know Jamie Lynn. Maybe she's a total nut job. Maybe J.Lo is, too. And maybe that straight, married, 40-year-old neighbor of mine is, too. But who gets to decide who's fit to parent?
When I got pregnant at 36, a few magazine editors asked me to write about how different it was from my experience as a teen mom. When they realized I wouldn't dis my first pregnancy or characterize it as a sad reality I’d valiantly “overcome,” they decided they weren't so interested.
I’m glad I got pregnant when I did. The first time. And the second time.
Why are we allowed to discuss only the downside of teen pregnancy? And why aren't we allowed to admit that by delaying child-bearing, we risk our own health as well as our children’s? We certainly risk not being able to get pregnant at all.
“We don’t want to make older mothers feel bad,” one editor told me.
Fair enough.
But I guess we don’t care how younger mothers feel.
Sluts.
I’m not saying we should have our kids early or shouldn’t have them later but, physically, it’s very difficult to be an older mom. That's just the truth. With some exceptions, the pregnancy is harder. With few exceptions, childbirth is harder. And psychologically--it’s not exactly a picnic. Most of us are more flexible when we're young. And we have more energy.
Jamie Lynn Spears obviously doesn’t share the reality of most working- and under-class teenagers in America who can only look forward to a lifetime of poor health care, but if you don’t have adequate health care and probably won’t find it in the future, it only makes sense to start your family when you’re in your late teens or early twenties. You can’t afford to wait.
And, you know, even if you’ve got a hundred reasons why teen parenting isn’t a good idea—don’t you think it’s rude to share your opinions with expecting moms?
The decks are stacked against teen parents. We all know that. So why not unstack the decks instead of making everyone feel bad on top of it all?
I guess I just wanted to remind everyone that when you hear that someone is pregnant, no matter her age, marital status, sexual orientation, or financial situation, the correct response is:
CONGRATULATIONS.
Why We Love Being Young Moms by the members of Girl-Mom.com
posted by Contact at 12:55 PM
25 Comments:
When I first heard of her pregnancy I was sad. I had to ask myself why I was sad...I know how difficult it is for young moms, my mom was one, both of my sisters were too. They all struggled financially, but that's not a problem for JLS. Then I thought her inexperience and unpreparedness made me sad for her, but no, I was twenty when I had my first, and boy was I ever unprepared and inexperienced. So I came the the conclusion that I was sad for her because I have been led to believe that getting pregnant in your teens is something to be sad about.
So...after lots of talking to myself I realized there isn't any reason to be sad for JLS...she definitely has the finances that lots of teens lack, she'll learn to be a good mama, and hopefully with all of the exposure her sister and mother have gotten she will get the support that they lacked.
Yay Jamie Lynn Spears I wish you the best!
Ariel-
Beautiful. I'm so tired of hearing these mothers saying "We're not going to say anything to our daughters about this! It's disgraceful!" Um, yeah, hiding something that happened that can be a learning experience to your child, yup, it's disgraceful.
I'm 35, so if I do have a kid, yup, I'll be a older mom. It's because I haven't met Mr. Jennifer yet. But when I say I don't have kids, some people go: "Oh," as if they are thinking: "Well! What's the matter with you? Why haven't you yet? Go out there and have a baby!"
And if I had a baby when I was 19, the year Jamie Lynn was born, I could be this baby's grandma.
I really feel old.
Here's a health reason that benefits the teen mother - I read somewhere that if every woman in America had a kid before some young age like 23, the breast cancer rate would automatically go down by 17%.
Having even just one child in your teens turns out to be a terrific prophylactic against breast cancer.
Now this isn't a reason for everybody to go out and get pregnant in high school, but come on, it is a pretty compelling reason to have a child early. I was so fucked up in my teens and early 20s that I would have been a terrible mother, but on the other hand, I had my first at 37, and got breast cancer at 42 while still nursing my second. You don't think it has crossed my mind that having a baby early might have spared me the mastectomy, the chemo, and now the new bout of cancer with chemo etc.? It has indeed crossed my mind.
Thanks for reminding us how this culture still wants to shame young women for being sexual.
"I guess I just wanted to remind everyone that when you hear that someone is pregnant, no matter her age, marital status, sexual orientation, or financial situation, the correct response is:
CONGRATULATIONS."
Beautiful. Thank you for posting this very sane and important reminder.
good point
Ariel, I love the way you keep standing up for young mothers. I had my daughter this September at the age of 35 and my son when I was 23. There *is* no perfect time to have children and I see my friends struggling with this nonsense of having to pack marriage, babies and serious career into the ages of 30-35 and getting very tired and stressed as a result. It's so lemming-like and life isn't like that. While this time round I'm better in some ways (married, mellower, happier and not as broke), it's been exhausting in a way it wasn't when I was a young 'un. Nobody talks about that.
I have no idea about Jamie Lynn Spears but I don't see teen pregnancy as a tragedy per se, they need as much help as they can get.
Thanks, Ariel, for voicing some of my thoughts as well.
Amen! I've been thinking about this so much – even debating the "right" reaction on air with my co-worker. I wish I'd been able to sum it up as beautifully as you did, Ariel. Thanks for providing the words to express exactly how I feel. (Again.)
Indeed, Ariel, thanks for writing about this issue so intelligently -- you deserve acknowledgment for facing the fears and judgments that the rest of the media isn't addressing.
I simply wish that Jamie Lynn could hold her head high and show some pride. Sure, she announced to the press that she's pregnant... But she repeatedly said how "shocked" she was.
That's what gets me: she's acting so ditsy, as if she doesn't know how this could have happened.
I wish she could stand up proudly to the media and say, "I'm a sexual being, I'm going to be a mom, and I'll be a role model to all teen mothers out there."
Discussing Jamie Lynn Spears pregnancy at xmas with the females in my family my sister in law was as angry and judgmental as I expected, the other, who was a young mom kept quite. I commented that the problem that people always site is that financially teen moms are much more likely to live in poverty. Jamie Lynn won't have that problem. I said I know nothing of her but she seems to look more responsible than her of age ( like your uterus obeys age limits) sister. My niece said "It's her hair, it makes you feel she is more together than Britney". Perhaps we can use hair styles as a valid measure of ones ability to parent. I'd fail that one too I suppose.
when i informed my family doctor i was pregnant, at 21, out of wedlock, and recently hospitalized and diagnosed bi-polar, he shook his head and said "well...congratulations, or condolences, however you decide to look at it".
i was furious for so long, but in the end he reminds me every appointment that he thinks very highly of harper and me and that i am a great mom.
I think your statement is really thought provoking and inspiring to young mothers, but as a young mom I have to say, it is tough out there. When my (at the time) 4 year old stepson moved in with my then boyfriend and I, we were simply unprepared, both emotionally and financially. I was 22, and just out of college at the time. We had no health insurance, our state didn't offer coverage to adults, but luckily they did (and do) for children, so he was ok there. We scrimped and saved for quality childcare, and we sometimes resented the fact that we couldn't be young anymore, couldn't go out, couldn't spend money on silly stuff like dinners out, concerts, hair dye, tattoos..all the fun trappings of being a 20 something. We haven't been able to travel, and we probably won't be able to for at least a few more years. I feel like my stepson has missed out on fun vacations, summer camp, and all that kind of fun stuff because we just can't afford it.
At the age of 29, my career is just starting to pick up steam, but because I have to devote so much time to my job I don't have as much time to hang out with my stepson, get involved with his schooling, or just be there and present without worrying about money, insurance, or the many other issues that we deal with as a young, low income family.
That being said, I love my stepson with all of my heart. He has enriched my life in ways that I never expected. He keeps me going when I feel like I can't go anymore, and he makes me laugh every day. I wouldn't change any of my choices or my way of life. At the same time, it would be easier to have a baby now or in a few years, than it was to start child rearing as a person in my early 20's. Now, if you have some cash, a supportive family, and a network of cool mama friends, I think the going is easier. For me though, it has been tough at times, and I know that I have missed out on some of the interesting life experiences that my contemporaries have had. When you have a baby at 16 or 20 you can't necessarily pack up and move to a crappy apartment in NYC or hightail it to LA to try life out as a wannabe rocker. Life gets pretty real when a baby arrives.
That being said, Jamie Lynn Spears is loaded and will have access to top notch medical care, child care, education, and housing, which are issues that many low income/young families struggle with everyday. A normal young girl becoming a mother has many obstacles to overcome, and many doors close (or stay shut for awhile) because of early parenthood. It's not easy, and while a young mother should be supported and loved, I don't know if congratulating teen pregnancy is a good idea.
Ariel, I love your books and your blog, but I just have to respectfully disagree in a way. Both as a young parent, and a grown daughter of very young parents..it's a tough road.
I don't think Ariel is congraduating teen pregnancy, but the fact that hey, you're going to hear a lot of stuff that you are ruining your life, and let's face it, it's a rough road. But no matter what, if this is a wanted pregnancy, even when the odds are against you, congraduations to you.
And of course, Ariel can correct me if I'm wrong.
Actually, it's a known medical fact that teen pregnancy is harder on a woman's body than a non teen pregnancy. When we're talking about 18 year olds and younger, teen pregnancy puts stress on a still-growing body. So while this may be a socio-economic status issue, let's not confuse it with a medical issue.
As the daughter of teenage parents, the way the Jamie Lynn story was handled made me feel ill. While my parents had a bit of an uphill battle when I was born, they were awesome parents. They worked their asses off and raised two happy healthy kids.
People like to dismiss happy, successful teen parents like mine as anomalies, but I can point to quite a few parents who had kids later who struggled/sucked as parents/were miserable/had regrets too. If anything, the fact that my parents were young made them BETTER parents because they were so determined to prove all the judgemental jerks wrong.
I feel incredibly lucky to have the parents I have, particularly now when they are young, healthy and helpful grandparents.
I am turning forty next week, and I have a two year old.
My two year old got to run around this week with my 55 year old mom, a grammie with a Master's degree and two really great grown up kids, and four really great grandkids.
I never wanted kids when I was younger, and my mom is enjoying her freedom & $$ all through her 40's & beyond.
I have lived my life being the child of teen parents and let me tell you it isn't that much different from all the sh#t people with older parents face.
Good parents love their children, and they make the best family they know how. It really is that simple.
Heidi in PDX
Thanks for the provocative post, Ariel.
The media focused on the "tragedy" of Jamie Lynn, but only glossed over the fact that the girl didn't get pregnant by herself.
As usual, they stoned the female in the equation, while the boy (who she met in church) walked away with his hands in his pockets.
The media blamed the girl, and then her mother. The boy, we are left to assume, was just being a boy. The girl was being a whore.
A scary piece in the scarier-by-the-day New York Times (they just hired neo-con William Kristol to write a weekly column, for instance) quoted concerned parents, most of whom judged Jamie Lynn and one of whom said her child would never do such a thing. "My daughter knows right from wrong," she said.
Yeah, keep telling yourself that, Lady.
CONGRATULATIONS!
The ONLY thing one should ever say when a pregnancy is announced. Not, "Are you going to keep it?" or "What are you going to do?"
Those words from 15 years ago still sting my heart. What am I going to do? Well, I'm going to have this baby and fuck him up as best I can. What else would I do?
Happy New Year and congratulations to every mama everywhere, no matter he age or media demographic!
Well said, Ariel. Here's a different story/slant... my son toddled over to my neighbor’s carport as I nervously chased after him. My neighbor is an elderly woman who lives alone and hasn’t been exactly… uh, how you say… nice to us. It was to my delight that after I retrieved my son and apologized for invading her private property, she asked me, “How are you doing, Michelle?” At the time I was about seven months pregnant with my second child and showing quite nicely. I smiled and jumped on the opportunity to have a pleasant conversation with her. I then cheerfully announced that I’m doing great and expecting my second baby. She whipped her head up, her face scrunched like a child who didn’t like her dish, and she growled, “Ooooooh no. What do you mean? That's horrible!” Yes, I kid you not. She actually said that.
I was taken aback by her reaction and said, “yes, we are having another baby and are really happy about it.” She then said, “Uh, well, how old are you, Michelle?” I responded, “I’m 31, of child-rearing age.” She said, “oh, well I thought you were MUCH older than that.”
“Have a nice day, Mrs. Neighbor.”
“Alright.”
A simple, congratulations, would have been wonderful. I get a good laugh about it in hindsight but, geeze, she missed that etiquette class!
PS: I LOVED reading the link to why its awesome to be a young mama. I am especially envious of their energy and ability to roll around and rough house for long periods of time with their kids. Oh, and also, to be 35 when your kid is 18... that just seems really cool to me.
Give me a break. Yes, there are women (like you) who have children at a very young age and do fine. But the reality is that this is not the norm.
When I hear that a young girl is pregnant, it's not just the unborn child I worry about; but the mother as well.
Raising the health risk issue is irrational...sure, women in their 40's have higher risks but what about women in their late 20's or early 30's?
We live in a differnt world now. I would never shun a teenager who had a child. If it was my daughter or someone in my life, I would offer all the support that I could. But I'm certainly not going to view it as a celebratory occassion...and I would not feel bad raising the issue of abortion.
You're living in la-la land. I think it's irresponsible.
There is nothing congratulatory about this.
Hurrah Ariel!
I disagree with your other commenters who think that it's bad for a teen's health to have a baby and who say it is not the 'norm'. The 'norm' is for humans to have a 45 year life span. Without medical intervention, that's when nature has given up on our teeth and gifted us with a strong sense of smell since our eyesight starts to fail a bit. Humans rarely lived past 50 until hot running water and vaccines became the 'norm'. So if our biology is practically wired for that time span it really makes sense for woman to have babies in their late teens.
I had a baby when I was 19 and another one when I was 30 and I was physically much better off when I had one at 19. My body hurt much more and it took me longer to recover from the second pregnancy and my age absolutely was a factor.
I can't run as fast now as I could when I was 19 either! Which sucks cuz the 2nd child was more of a runner than the first was.
I hope people can use the word 'norm' with caution here tho. Women have been having babies before the age of twenty for as long as humans have existed. I call that a 'norm'.
And Jamie Lynn Spears is healthy, has health care and has money which, sad to say, makes her unusual for a mom her age but also removes a lot of the reasons anyone should have for having a negative opinion of her pregnancy.
The title of your post alone was wonderfully testing. It stopped me in my tracks - had I ever heard this sentiment expressed before about Jamie Lynn? What, I tried to remember had been my own first response to hearing her news? What, if any prejudices and stereotypes were lurking there? How would I have felt differently if I mixed up her circumstances, made her older, made her less clean cut in my mind? Great post.
Hi, I just happened upon this post and thought I'd put a real teen mothers input in on this. I became a stepmother of a one year old at 17. Got pregnant with my first at 18, had my beautiful son at 19, and am now 21 and 5 months pregnant with a baby girl. Let me start this by saying, my husband and I are middle class, were not by any means rich. I can't put into words how much I love my children. Do I feel like I missed out on anything? Absolutely not!! My children fill my life with joy and it's wonderful that I can run around and play with them and rough house all I want. No, we can't afford all of lifes luxuries, but I'm sorry.. If luxuries and selfishness are all life is about, this is becoming a sad sad world. My mother became a mother at 28 and had her last at 33, and is now 50 years old caring for my sickly father and two teenage boys! that is truly sad. Don't get me wrong, she loves her kids, but I see how tired she is all the time, and am glad that by the time I'm 50.. My children will be in their 30's. And I can enjoy the prime of my life with my husband.
...please where can I buy a unicorn?
Post a Comment
<< Home