Uninvited
Sometimes being a mama feels exactly like being in high school. You're thrown in with a group of people you have nothing in common with but a life-stage and the slightly elevated chance they'll be on psycho-pharms.
The other day I took Max to Urban Grind, this lovely kid-friendly cafe in my neighborhood. It has big play rooms and strong coffee.
There were at least a dozen other kids Max's age. He loved them! They all played with the big Legos and chased each other down the plastic slide.
I couldn't believe our luck. So many kids.
And then another mama asked, "Are you here for the meet-up?"
"No," I shrugged. "We're just randomly here."
"Oh," the woman smiled. "Well, we have this meet-up every week. Our kids are between one and eighteen months. You can check on line to see where we'll meet next. And..."
"And," another mom interrupted, brushing the crumbs off her Urban Outfitters sweat jacket. "We're actually closed to new members."
There was this collective silence among all the mamas in which I wondered if I'd misunderstood. I contemplated asking: Do you know who I am? But I just nodded. "Oh," I said. "Right. Oh well."
It was exactly how I always felt in high school. Invited and then uninvited to the cool kids' party. I dropped out of high school.
It was exactly how I always felt when I was a teen mom. Excluded. Alienated. But back then I always figured it was because I was too young. I figured they thought I was a loser shit because I was 19 and they were 34. A clear case of discrimination.
But now they are still 34. And I am 38.
And I am learning. And learning again. That it isn't my age. I am just
fundamentally
alienated
from
parenting
culture.
posted by Contact at 7:40 PM
33 Comments:
So--you aren't allowed in there when they meet? Or if you happen to be there, your kid can't play with the other kids? Or if he does play, you just can't talk to the other moms? Since you aren't a member and well, they aren't taking new members.
I think it's more that mother culture unfortunately can be fundamentally alienating. An exclusive club. Thank god for Hipmama when my first was little.
I once was thrown out of a book club made up of some of the women I work with and their friends and sisters. In retrospect, the club was probably just an excuse for these women to get together and drink too much.
I attended the first meeting, joined in the discussion, then later was told I couldn't come back, which stung because I have an MA in English and had bought a copy of the next book on the list. The members told the friend who invited me that I couldn't join the club because she failed to ask them first. Now, a decade later, I still work with some of them, and I still hold a grudge. :)
Those moms you encountered seem to have a similar (wolf) pack mentality.
A bumper sticker for my mom: MY DAUGHTER WAS KICKED OUT OF HER BOOK CLUB
Oh boy have I been there. There are times I've just wanted to wear leather pants to pickup time just to get the alienation over with all in one fell swoop. That high school mentality is painful, confusing and a needless drain on human resources. They just missed out on your companionship and brilliance, and when the one who was trying to invite you to join the playgroup informs the rest who you are, they'll be kicking themselves for a month.
Whoa. She loses.
Meh.
I had a similar experience last week - it shook my understandings of how I fit in the world.
But sometimes I get so complacent in my little bubble where everyone does know who I am, that I forget what it is I'm ranting against, and the experience reinvigorated me. I'm trying to just feel sorry for them, actually, because wow - what a world they have to live in.
Hey - move to Madison, we (in my bubble ;) won't exclude you. XOXO
I feel this way regularly, given that I'm a mom involved in two schools -- meaning two groups of parents and many opportunities for clicks to form of which I may or may not be a part. I do have some great friends in these groups, but I'm not entirely comfortable with the whole deal. Part of it is that I'm an introvert by nature. Part of it is that I've never been into the whole mom culture persay.
But also, there are just not as many women on, say, the PTSA who are as interested in, you know, revolutionary, queer, feminist, societal transformation as I would like there to be. The question for me, then, is where are the intersections between my parenting and my politics -- it's rare to find a mama who is looking for that intersection, too, at least at the daily pick-up.
So nutty that they excluded you not knowing who you are, considering how included you've made so many other mothers feel through your work.
Oh, and please don't move to Madison. If I'd happen to have been at the Urban Grind, I would have told that woman what for...
Well, I am confused about your being hurt over the slight there at the committee of hand-picked moms. A few years ago in The Oregonian I recall you said specifically that you loved this area because if you didn't feel like saying "hi" to someone whom you knew passing him or her on the street, why, you were cool enough that you didn't have to extend this mere civility. I wondered then how many people you hurt on the streets of Hawthorne, people who consider you their friend. It has something to do with the crow coming home to roost here, a slight strain of unintended hypocrisy. Then I recall being at an Attic reading and you just having a jolly good time while reading your miserable essay poking fun of the Catholics who helped you and your family out back when your mom was poor. I felt left out, mocked,as a Catholic who has been known to help the underdog now and again, as the entire group but my husband and me and the woman who sat next to me laughed and laughed at your attempt at satire at the Catholics' expense. These were people, these unfortunate Catholics, I thought, who only wanted to provide you and your sister and mom with the needed assistance, and now years later, you had the temerity to roar with laughter at them with your crafted essay? At their practices of faith at the table before eating a meal? I wanted to walk up to you and quite literally punch you, but you see, my husband is blind and we would have made one mess of the place -- me trying to punch you and then dragging my husband through that very crowded scene. Be careful who you are mean to and perhaps, the Lord willing, others might not be mean to you and your son in the future. We both of us should try not to get hurt over slights from individuals we hardly know. It's human nature I guess. We're all made of eggshells. You apparently,despite your tough veneer are no different. --Linda
Linda,
I'm glad to hear you follow my work so closely despite your obvious hatred and now threats of violence.
For the record, the Catholics of my childhood quite like that essay (entitled Grace).
Peace out
--Ariel
This is not really meant to be published but...
I remember the first dinner we had with your mom and John and I remember him saying all of these nice things that we bad catholic children didn't quite understand. I do remember that he thanked some father for our presence, and our innocent laughter that their home had lacked for some years, and I remember that it was a delightful experience and if I remember correctly he would not have been offended by your essay. But you didn't need me to tell you that.
As for the alienation part, I'm sorry, I know it stings and at this moment I have no words that will undo what she did, but keep watching, I might later. :)
Really interesting how people come out of the cracks precisely to attack at the right moment. So now we can't talk about Catholics or other god saving charity giving people because they are all good at heart and doing god's work? Mmm, something smells fishy.
Be careful who you are mean to and perhaps, the Lord willing, others might not be mean to you and your son in the future.
seriously, what does the Lord have to do when people do fucked up things to people for no reason at all. This type of reasoning is well, stupid.
Ariel, you've written many blog posts, articles and books that I've identified with but for some reason this post resonated with me even more. I think you nailed it in the first sentence; that this is why I have never understood the extremely common (well meaning) advice that all I needed/need to do as a mom was get together with groups of other moms. It is true, motherhood alone does not necessarily make me have much of anything in common with someone any more than any other life stage. I almost always feel miserable and exhausted after "playgroups". tired from hiding who I am, and trying not to alienate by simply answering questions factually.
One bitchy soccer mom does not fundamental alienation make. You took your kid to a kid friendly coffee place where he easily blended in with other kids, you moderated one of the first big online mom boards, you wrote Mother Trip and Hip Mama's Guide for crying out loud. You are a deeply influential C0-CREATOR of parenting culture. Fundamentally Alienated my foot! Bonding to other women with whom all you have in common is a life stage is potentially an interesting opportunity. Maybe she was just panicking that if their group got too big for coffee bars people would stop coming and she'd be lonely, or maybe afraid too many for her to make cupcakes and then the other moms would not like her,maybe her kid freaks out in big groups and holds on to hem of her skirt robbing her of her desperately needed chance to complain about how he sometimes holds on to the hem of her skirt, maybe she went home and wrote on her blog how mortified she was at how bitchy she'd been that day. Maybe that coffee was too strong and turned one Hipmama into a Meanmama and another into a Dramamama?
Oh Ariel, I loved reading your post because it made me feel so less alone. My son is six and many of his budding little friendships have abruptly ended because I didn't fit in with the 'cool' cliques of moms. Consider yourself lucky the claws came out early and not later. A couple years back we had a little group for 'playdates'( shudder I hate that word)and one of the mom's husband disapproved of me and all of a sudden phonecalls were not returned and everyone started going to the park and pool etc. at different times. It broke his heart (and pissed me off)
I read your post yesterday, and today I sat through a very brief presentation on bullying. Ms. Urban-Outfitter-Sweatshirt-girl must have been a ring-leader in high school as well. Rude.
We grow older, and some of us learn to let go of our bias's while others just find more covert (or not so covert) ways to perpetuate them.
I hope to teach my kids a lesson in acceptance, no matter what, who, when or where.
I am feeling that way this year at the gifted kids' school that my 8 yo got invited to. There are the doctors' kids, the lawyers' kids, the engineers' kids and...there's US, the smart-but-weird folks. The great thing is that I am learning to embrace it all, who we are, our uniqueness, our problems, our very being. I am also learning to embrace the other parents for who they are, learning to love them too.
Hi.
I'm sorry the other moms made you feel bad. I think you really get the last laugh based on the fact that you are basically an empire at this point. You have a rich, rewarding and full life (I'm assuming based on your books). I think the moms that are so worried about who belongs to what group are usually pretty unhappy under the glossy exterior.
I actually have almost the opposite problem (if that makes any sense). I look way more normal than I actually am. So other moms usually include me, but tend to make a lot of assumptions about who I actually am. I often feel like I have to be really careful of what I say or do if I want my son to continue to be included. I feel like a bland, pale version of myself sometimes.
As Promised...
When I read this blog earlier I tried so hard to think of what I could possibly say to bandage the wound you call alienation. After my initial feelings of anger-'How dare she exclude you?'
Sympathy-'she does not know what she’s missing'
and empathy-‘she’s going to kick herself later’
I asked myself why I felt so defensive of you. Why did I feel that this obscure person that I really don’t know needed my protection? For all I know you're a snob who just exuded that “I’m too good” vibe and deserved to be humbled. I know better, I know, because you let me into your life. You opened up and shared some of your weaker moments with me. Ariel Gore made me feel like I belonged to an exclusive group of women. I understand when you say you have always felt like an outsider. I felt, feel, that way. I have never really found a person, let alone a group of people that I fit in with. I have had a few close friends in my life, one for every stage it seems, but like the snake I so often relate to in the end I have shed each one of them.
And I’m not that person who dumps her friends for newer, cooler friends. Sadly, they dump me. That’s not easy for me to admit. It makes me feel like a loser, like I’m unlovable, like I just don’t fit in with anyone, AND like I can never really be myself lest I push everyone away.
But then I read Survival Guide and Mother Trip and you made me feel like I’m not alone, even YOU have felt unloved, unwanted. Then I join the rest of the universe and I started reading your blogs and you made me feel like there is nothing fundamentally wrong with me and I shouldn’t try to hide who I am anymore. You tell me I am lovable, I am a good mom, a good person and you told me that I just hadn’t found the right circle yet.
Then I read that someone made you feel unwelcome, uninvited and I take it personally because I have been in that coffee shop...
And I get angry that the person who, without actually trying, resuscitated me has been excluded, again.
I won't accept that the person who coaxed me back to reality, insisted I rejoin the living, and not just those who are breathing, You demanded that I participate in my life, that I do something that makes me happy because…well, it makes me happy, has been defeated.
I get angry that the reality is-*No matter what I do or who I become there will always be that person that makes me feel unworthy*
So, dear Ariel, you can not let this woman, these women, make you feel like you aren't good enough because there are far too many of us women who are depending on you to make US feel good enough.
man, I hate it when that happens- try working at a childcare center and experiencing it everyday!
I have come to the conclusion, that i am just a social misfit and must get used to it. "My name is heidi and come from the island of of lost toys"
LOL
Oh blarf. I'm sorry that happened. Lots of folks here have already said a lot of what I could post here quite well.
I think I would prefer to focus on the one woman's attempt to include you. Why do we always so easily focus on the slights we get instead of the props?
I'm sorry that happened. What Jennifer said. I would have no parenting culture without you. Well, you and a smattering of extreme breastfeeders, I guess(:
I remember living in Salem OR when my kids were small in the late seventies. Oh, I did not fit in, and I was so lonely. The only Hip Mama in town, but I didn't know it...
What pleasure this group will be missing not having you as a member!
I'm glad this stuff doesn't just happen to me! Another long time fan of yours moved to post. Hipmama was the first parenting book I ever read-I'm so glad I picked it up that day rather than "What to Expect" LOL
Thanks :)
yea - well you know.
I actually thought it was kinda ...a funny story, of something sucking. least you weren't invited to their play group; but too old and tired and awkward, so you were one of the only ones who didn't join in the really fun looking dance party in the middle room.
I seem to make friends easily but then am always kinda on the outside, a little odd, anyway. All my new really nice neighborhood friends, that I REALLY like, and who are friendly, creative, activists, doing shit. I got invited to their potluck, clotheswap, dance party...with a flyer even brought to my door!
but later in the night I felt a little awkward and mismatched as I noticed I sat in my chair for the longest time of anyone, and I am not always good at party conduct. and also, I guess I'm the oldest person at the 20 year olds party ...but I don't really look so old. and I don't know where the people are my own age, and ..I like the young active people...and
I don't have any empty nest friends! Going out into the world and trying to do things on my own, I don't really match what its like to be a daily parent, so other parents, aren't exactly where I am going to be getting my support either, at the moment - as far as my personal growth in the next stage of life.
so I have friends that are parents, and are non-parents, and an open mix - which is good for anyone, to have an open mix of colleagues ...but ... yea. sometimes i feel all misfity for sure.
I'm onto a new stage of life ....all on my own.
misfits 4 life
xoxoxoxooxoxoxoox
china
Did you really want to spend precious time hanging out with people with whom you probably had veeerrrryyyy little in common? I agree that you should just give props to the mom who tried to include you. Maybe there's hope for her. I have found that there are women (and men) who simply don't have the self-esteem to be comfortable around people who aren't exactly like them. They NEED that sameness, that flock/herd/pack life or they feel lost. It's sad and pathetic, really. They're welcome to that life. They will never understand how some of us actually LIKE to encounter new perspectives, ideas, adventures. I don't really want to belong or to fit in to ONE niche. It would be depressing.
so i'm not a mom but i'm a totally devoted super cousin to my two younger girl cousins.
i'm talking like baby sat for days on end, getting in the bathtub with them to make sure they were clean, combing through knots, midnight feedings, watching them learn to crawl on My living room floor....tantrums, fevers, cookies etc.
i've also been asked to pick the littlest one up from school. she's five and goes to a catholic school in NY.
i'm pretty urban looking...i wear a bandana, a trucker hat, baggy dickies, black t-shirts, chains...etc. i love it. my little cousin loves me so whatever.
but damn if i didn't get the STARE DOWN when i went to pick her up from school. All eyes were on me and none of the faces had smiles on them. The front door monitor asked me who i was and who i was here to pick up like three times. I finally had to call my aunt and put her on the phone to verify me as a caretaker.
maybe i was viewed as a security risk...but i'd been there before with my aunt so...what was the problem? (and she called to tell them i was picking her up!)
and oh yeah when i take her to the play area...none of the moms talk to me, even if my aunt is there.
it's like i've got the gay spanish urban chick disease and they don't wanna catch it. lmao i wish they would.
maybe it's a suburban mom thing...it sucks either way. i love my little cousin and think moms and kids are awesome...so what's with their walls?
i've even taught pre-pre kindergarten like...i'm a kid chick. i mean when it comes to kids, shouldn't we all be able to share and learn from each other?
whatever.
ariel, you handle things so gracefully.
What is parenting culture if not you. That's what I think. Oh, and screw those matchy matchy moms.
-Melis
You, me, and Groucho Marx. We wouldn't want to be members in your stinking club anyway.
I am (usually) getting more comfortable with my fringe status. I am just disappointed in how nasty some people can be still. I try to be optimistic about the way people interact with others. Still trying. Against prevailing evidence.
Any mother's group should be begging to have you grace their meet up. Sheesh.
I relate.
I've never been allowed into the Mom "pack".
I also originally thought it had something to do with being a young mom. They were all thirty something...working on their second family or whatnot and didn't relate to me. Now I'm thirty-five and things really haven't changed other than I'm finally comfortable with it.
Well put and I think so many of us can identify with you. Reminds me of the feeling I get when both judgmental strangers and genuinely kind people I know and love give me that says, "I'm sorry you are going to burn in hell."
Life goes on. We find our own kind but why should we have to in order to enjoy a cuppa joe?
Hey Ariel,
I'm a nanny on the Upper East Side of NYC, and in a way, it's like a teflon shield for all those bad vibes. I get to hang out with the kids and be cool with them, which I love, but I don't have to deal with weird mama-pack-pressures-of-conformity. I'm *not* one of them. So for now I'm off the hook, y'know? Sometimes I suspect that the moms (of the child I care for, and of her peers) are somehow jealous of my not-having-to-fit-in status. In fact, I'm pretty sure of it. I seem like I'm having fun because I am; I seem like I'm comfortable in my own skin 'cause I am (most of the time, anyway). They don't seem to have it as easy. There are a lotta weird politics to navigate in "the mama realm" - at least when things get pack-like, as you describe - that I'm really not interested in. I always wonder what it'll be like when I finally have kids of my own - like, whether or not all of that stuff is avoidable.
In any event, sorry if your feelings were hurt. That exclusionary stuff *stings*; I totally, totally get it. And thanks - as always - for sharing the story.
I always think, wouldn't it be so cool if we were able to see ourselves through the lens of the people who really love and respect us? I respect you like that - you're awesome - and I wish you could see it. You'd feel better right away.
Keep on keepin on,
d.m., your homegirl in brooklyn
(the one who had the dream with you in it)
Ariel, those women were totally insecure people. To be that age and still purposefully excluding people is just...pathetic. You are not excluded from parenting culture, you are excluded from the culture of people fixated on ranking themselves against others; people who define themselves by who and what they are not.
I'm hoping the silence was the at least some of the members being shocked to the core at such deliberate calculated rudeness to make someone else feel small.
Wow. Mean people suck! Glad the little guy had fun at least. Wow.
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