i need therapy
When my kid was small, I lived in a maternal ghetto. I didn't know anyone who wasn't a single mom. Life = chaos, but we had a kinship and an unspoken understanding.
I was happy enough when my circle grew and morphed, but now I find myself in a totally foreign community. Only a few people in my everyday world have kids. A lot of them want kids, so it becomes weirdly taboo to complain. I should appreciate the life and family I have. And I do. Hell, I do. But I'm getting weirdly bitter about the lack of kinship and unspoken understanding. I need therapy. I want some f---ing props. I have twice the daily responsibility and have to make twice as much money. I just want some props for that.
My friends say, "That's your choice."
Of course it was my freaking choice.
But everyone seems conflicted, too: Either children are a burden or children are a luxury item.
What if they're both? What if, more than both, they're neither?
I try to speak my small corner of truth, but it comes out all ajumble.
"You don't have to take everything on," my friends tell me. "And your kid is practically grown. Here's $50 and I'll give her a ride." They think I'm a martyr when I refuse.
I don't want $50 and one ride out of 20--I mean, I do--but more than that I want kinship and an unspoken understanding. Of what it all means. Of neither burden nor luxury.
I don't know what I want, so I can't ask for it.
What I feel is. Fundamental. Alienation.
I was happy enough when my circle grew and morphed, but now I find myself in a totally foreign community. Only a few people in my everyday world have kids. A lot of them want kids, so it becomes weirdly taboo to complain. I should appreciate the life and family I have. And I do. Hell, I do. But I'm getting weirdly bitter about the lack of kinship and unspoken understanding. I need therapy. I want some f---ing props. I have twice the daily responsibility and have to make twice as much money. I just want some props for that.
My friends say, "That's your choice."
Of course it was my freaking choice.
But everyone seems conflicted, too: Either children are a burden or children are a luxury item.
What if they're both? What if, more than both, they're neither?
I try to speak my small corner of truth, but it comes out all ajumble.
"You don't have to take everything on," my friends tell me. "And your kid is practically grown. Here's $50 and I'll give her a ride." They think I'm a martyr when I refuse.
I don't want $50 and one ride out of 20--I mean, I do--but more than that I want kinship and an unspoken understanding. Of what it all means. Of neither burden nor luxury.
I don't know what I want, so I can't ask for it.
What I feel is. Fundamental. Alienation.
posted by Contact at 10:47 PM
10 Comments:
I, too, no longer have that community of single mom friends. They've all moved to...Portland (or somewhere else up there). Times they are a changin, for sure. I wonder what it will be like when they are REALLY grown and flying out in the world (cuz as of right now, let's face it, we do a lot of the flying for them whether it be giving rides, shaking them out of bed to make it to school on time, making sure they eat and making that new toilet paper miraculously appear just when the last square is used to blot their new lipgloss?) How will we feel then? What will be our role, our title, our martydom? It was cool, back in the day, when we never had to apologize when our kids acted-out (or when we, ourselves, acted-out). It was not really that embarassing when the phone was disconnected for awhile because it was a known fact that the money went to organic food for the kid. The times, they are a changin'! I appreciate what you do, but from afar, so it doesn't count. But I feel you. It's a lonely, wierd time.
I can definitely relate. And I don't know if therapy is helping me all that much! I am noticing more and more that I don't quite fit and it is not the "don't quite fit" in a good way way. Nope. It is in a more lonely, "what's up", kinda way.
Oh well, at least I am not alone....
I totally feel you, Ariel. My daughter is the same age as yours, and I'm 33, so most women my age that I meet are just now having kids or trying to have kids. The whole attitude of , well your kid is almost grown really bugs me. Because she still needs me as much as ever.
I also think many married-to-men moms don't really understand how hard it is to be a single mother, unless they were single moms before they married. So many men do practically nothing when it comes to childcare and housework so many married women feel as if they are single mothers, but they forget the financial impact their husbands have on their lives. It's damn hard being financially responsible for a child all on your own, with little to no money help from their bio father.
Props you need, therapy you don't.
Ariel, I'm a 39-year-old mother of a 16-month-old girl. I never dreamed before she came along how one job could be so physically draining, how parenting could be emtionally both incredibly rewarding and exquisitely trying, often at nearly the same time. And my kid is still a toddler -- we've got two decades of trials and tribulations ahead of us.
Since the day my daughter was born, I've wondered and occasionally raged at the dearth of support and respect for mothers in our society. Your book "The Hip Mama Survival Guide" provided desperately-needed psychic support in the early months, and for that I cannot thank you enough.
I'm in a priveleged position -- I'm married, my husband earns a decent living, he's a wonderful, involved father -- and despite it all this is still effing hard. If I ever become the kind of woman who suggests one should "suck it up, you did sign up for this, after all," you have permission to slap me hard and repeatedly.
My goal is really just the opposite. Now that I know how hard this is, I want see to it that other parents (especially mothers) have access to services they need to stay physically, mentally, and socially healthy.
You need those people, no matter what stage you are in.
You need to be able to complain and have people who can do more than sympathize.
You need to find that.
On the subject of having vs. not having children, Bitch Phd wrote a fabulous blog post about it:
http://bitchphd.blogspot.com/2004/07/feminism-101.html
BTW, I'm really curious as to what people mean when they say to you "you don't have to take everything on"?? Are they expecting you'll give something up? If so, what?
Not burden or luxury, Ariel.
Something in between.
Loving the boldness and intelligence of the brilliant ones and still being scared to fucking death how the world will deal with the one you love above all.
Something like about giving a hostage to the bigger world. No retreating now.
Best blessings always.
I'm contemplating therapy myself, because I'm in the same "can't quite describe what I want" boat.
I'm married, have a toddler, and my husband is great, but he's still a man, and when it comes to raising kids, you're lucky if it's a 70/30 split with the responsibilities. Mommy always ends up doing more, and as a woman who was raised by a single mom, aside from a greater economic impact, I can't see where having the man gives me more than an occassional break.
I was told that I should be happy, because my daughter was two years old, instead of an infant. I was told that I should be happy, because I was getting to go back to work instead of having to stay home all of the time. I was told that I should be happy, because I'm getting to have the career and the family. So, why the fuck do I still feel needy? See what I mean, the same boat.
Let me know if therapy works for you, because I can't add anything more to my schedule until late March. Until then, hang in there.
Hi Ariel,
I admire that you have the courage to be so open about yourself. It shows your readers that you're REAL.
Yes, childbirth was your CHOICE. And it was the most beautiful choice you ever made. I would like to say that I bought your book to support you...but the truth is, I bought your book, because I couldn't resist it.
Now, if I turn into some kind of lit-star, it's all your fault!
Children: A burden?
Children: A luxury?
In fact, they're a BLESSING.
The best way to cope when you feel like the world is on your back, and it's getting to be too heavy for you to hold it up yourself, is to have a moment of SERENDIPITY: ooops, you just happen to meet the Right Kind of Man who can make you feel like a Lady all over again...
rachel eagle reiter
being a single mom, a widow, I am going through exactly what you are going through Ariel, but with a twist
I am or was a physician with a master degree back home, before I married , and another PG degree, then my husband died when my little one was three, with no clear money, in a place that does not recognise my certificate, experience, skills, potentials, so we ended up with no money available, only support from the Gov thank God, and a fight to find any money left by the husband as the X wife of his is blocking any access to that by sueing the estate for years.
Assuming it will take years, I moved on ALONE, in here I mean ALONE, no friends, no family , no one and neighbours are a HI BYE kind of poeple
so no job, deprived of my career, no husband, family is totaly in another country and lacks understanding, being from a different culture, of the battle I am in alone trying to maintain a life and promote best of all, education, activities, health choices , career planning to my daughter, they break you down more than they even pray for you.
in brief no one
therapy is not a need in here
it is a need of exactly what you had said UNSPOKEN UNDERSTANDING.
I get that from no one that I get in touch with, because I am in a very atypical situation.
Those who have a normal life cannot understand what being in an abnormal situation is, and they give you , intentionally or unintentionally, the message that WOOPS, YOU CANNOT MANAGE THAT, OH WE FEEL SORRY FOR YOU, WE COULD DO BETTER
if i had a person to trust, reliable, relevant values, unspoken understanding, then I would have a normal life
becuase on the other hand, having a husband is not either the ultimate solution,
A neighbour of mine, has a husband, who does not work and she is doing the full monty including the care for the kid.
He only does physically demanding jobs, fix garage, plumbing etc
adn it is another atypical situation, let aside the problems that emerge from one time to another.
so I guess all what we need is appreciation , support, and good wishing till we reach our goals.
because of my endless work around the clock alone, when anybody sees me, they see a look like normal life, they totally forget that I made this happen it did not land or was made for me, and they question why am I not back in my career!!
as if studying for medicine, AGAIAN,sitting for exams and so on, with taking care of a growing up little one , alone, and alone is alone no one at all, and doing the life conditions, budgeting, buying food, looking for activities , taking her to acitibvities, providing her with normal needs and playing with her, cooking, cleaning, moving twice and getting up from bed while you are sick to go to the doctor , taking care of her health wise and all, is just a piece of cake that not only they do not see the effort, but they make sure to tell me that it is a petty that I am not doing anything for myself when she is doing all those great activities adn progress at school and so on, as if she wakes up to go and assign her self and achieves it all just like that!!
if your friend meant do not take it all and you need to sacrifice something, what I did sacrifice was my hard earned career adn my contorl on my life for the sake of my daughter
I am proud I chose that, but I sometimes get angry when the outsides do not see this sacrifice and they just question, where is my time spent, when I say I do not have time to focus on studying
I still am working hard on the two projects her life and mine, but it will take me longer time and I have just had enough of either lonliness or being with poeple who are that shallow an d cannot even make a rational judgement becuase of the amount of abundance of normalilty they have in their life
I hope some day you and me and all those who are in similar situaitons would celebrate the success that was earned the hardest way
prayers to you
PS therapy is another stranger listening to you, for salary, and giving you artificial support that was taught in the books, when you read those books you will have the knowledge,the same, but you will still need the love, support and unspoken understanding
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